Birthday reflections

Today is my birthday.

Birthdays are always a special moment for me to tune into what I’m thankful for, celebrate all I have overcome and set intentions for the year ahead. This year’s birthday is particularly special as my dearest friends have travelled from the East Coast to spend it with me. And this year, I’m reflecting on the significant moments of clarity that have occurred during these annual milestone events.

Specifically, my thirtieth birthday was a turning point in my life. It was the moment where I realized that I wanted to be a mom, and I was in a relationship at the time where that was not a feasible outcome. It was the moment that I received clarity that I would need to find a way to leave my disabled spouse for my own mental health and I was terrified. I had been his sole caregiver for five years (while working full-time) and the relationship had grown abusive. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I hadn’t traveled more than a few miles from my home since assuming the caregiver role and I didn’t see a way out.

In this excerpt from my memoir Dancing on My Own Two Feet, my birthday gift is the beginning of my quest for a better life.

I felt something shift inside me. I didn’t know how, but I knew I was ready to make a change. I opened a new journal, a birthday gift I had given myself, and started to imagine the life I wanted to live one day. Inspired by the colorful spiral-bound notebook with passport images plastered across the front, I pictured myself drinking champagne under the lights of the Eiffel Tower and traveling the world. I closed my eyes and imagined each detail until it was impressed upon my heart. I envisioned myself dancing a new dance in every city I visited, charming all the men with my savoir faire, speaking new languages. I would allow myself to get caught in mishaps in search of adventure.

As my eyes opened, words spilled onto the crisp white pages like birthday champagne, capturing every delightful sensory detail that flowed through my pen. I reminded myself that one day, I would make these dreams come true. For the next month, I revisited this sweet little journal daily, allowing myself a small reprieve from the rote drudgery of caregiving and work. New adventures and explorations poured forth from years of darkness with volcanic force as I imagined myself exploring a new country and dancing my way through life once again. Tingles filled my body, electrifying me with joy. Was a different life possible?

I allowed myself to envision the life I would have one day. A life of love, dance, children, and adventures…I couldn’t wait to get started, but my heart tugged and tightened at the thought of making these dreams a reality. As much as I longed for freedom, it felt fragile and delicate, like a newborn baby with a soft spot and a weak neck that needed delicate care and support to avoid injury. My heart had been bruised by past experience, and I was hesitant to risk it being trampled. The thought of leaving my disabled spouse for good brought on a subtle sense of guilt and that familiar pit in my stomach, cramped with unease. I knew I needed time to navigate my conflicting emotions to find a safe way forward.

Looking back over the last fifteen years since that moment, it’s incredible to see the power visualization played in helping me shift the direction of my life. I did make it to Paris (six months later) and enjoyed champagne under the Eiffel Tower. I did finally find the courage to leave the relationship and travel around the world dancing, and I did create the life I imagined that felt like an absolute impossibility at the time.

And almost a decade later, I did fulfill my dream of becoming a mom. September celebrates this milestone event for our family, and I am filled with immense gratitude for finding the courage on my thirtieth birthday to start imagining a different life for myself. One intention set into motion a trajectory of joy that my heart needed to experience in the years that followed – where I went from living in black and white to living in color.

As I enter my mid 40’s, I have pondered if there is anything I would do differently in my life if I had a “do over.” And with absolute joy, the only thing I can think of is coming back to life as a backup dancer for Taylor Swift (which I will fully embrace when I see her in concert in October). I am incredibly grateful for the life lessons that I have learned and each birthday since my 30th where I have been surrounded by loved ones, dancing around the world.

Thank you for being a part of my special day as my reading community. It means more than you know. I am grateful for each of you who reads my musings and sends a note with your thoughts. Cheers to more adventures together in the year to come.

For the world needs who we were made to be.